I'm having a bit of an odd moment. I don't quite feel myself, and to be aware that I'm acting and feeling out of character is quite a surreal experience. I'm not entirely sure what triggered it, but I feel somewhat let down and impatient. I can't find any music that changes my mood, but I need some noise because the cat's constant grooming noises are boring into my brain like a cerebral jackhammer.
I know I'm at my best when I feel good physically. With the positive physical feeling usually comes a sense of clarity and peace I can't get by any other means. At the moment I have a nagging pain. I have had it for about a week now. It's entirely bearable, but always constant. It's definitely in a decline, but I have to admit I'm struggling. It's entirely possible that the nagging is a cause of my nonchalance and somewhat surly attitude as I can't escape it. Then again, it's entirely possible that it's not.
I don't like being inactive. It slowly drives me crazy. I feel weak, pathetic and soft. Unfortunately it puts me in a stubborn and childish state of mine where I don't listen to anyone. I find it a little harder to communicate because I don't really read things properly and struggle to find the right words to express what I mean.
I kind of want a hug, but I don't want to talk about it.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
More
The problem with being utterly smitten is that the object of your desire is forever dominating your thoughts. It just takes a spark to skew a train of thought and send it careening through a hazy daydream.
I have grown disinterested and lazy. I have tried repeatedly to pull myself out but have failed.I know she will push me, I know she wants to push me just so I can see how far I can go. She realises I may not be able to do it without her, yet she still wants to be with me. It is a strange feeling to be able let someone in. I have barely felt like I have, she just seems to understand.
I have no idea what I did to deserve this, and will probably never know. For the first time in what seems an age, I feel nervous and excited about what the future will hold. Its quite an invigorating sensation, this 'love'.
I have grown disinterested and lazy. I have tried repeatedly to pull myself out but have failed.I know she will push me, I know she wants to push me just so I can see how far I can go. She realises I may not be able to do it without her, yet she still wants to be with me. It is a strange feeling to be able let someone in. I have barely felt like I have, she just seems to understand.
I have no idea what I did to deserve this, and will probably never know. For the first time in what seems an age, I feel nervous and excited about what the future will hold. Its quite an invigorating sensation, this 'love'.
Friday, July 30, 2010
Preparation
I'm packing my bags. I travel light. It reminds me of how little I consider significant. Half of what I take I take out of convenience and entertainment rather than necessity. Distractions for the lull. Games I consider mindless, yet time consuming. Books I allow myself to believe they are a more constructive use of my time. I know I will not return the same as I am now. The idea concerns me a touch.
How much will I change? Will I really be any different at all? Will I fritter my time away worrying over the insignificant troubles that plague me here? I don't know. I won't know till I have returned. I know this unease will pass, I know it will be okay.
I will miss her greatly. She is what I hate to leave behind.
The time will pass, but my thoughts will not stray.
I will think of her.
I will miss her.
I miss her.
And I haven't even left.
How much will I change? Will I really be any different at all? Will I fritter my time away worrying over the insignificant troubles that plague me here? I don't know. I won't know till I have returned. I know this unease will pass, I know it will be okay.
I will miss her greatly. She is what I hate to leave behind.
The time will pass, but my thoughts will not stray.
I will think of her.
I will miss her.
I miss her.
And I haven't even left.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Contrast
I was lowered down into the water. The diving suit felt heavy, the boots thudded into the bottom of the pool. I could make out the shapes of the two men waiting at the air pump. They spoke to each other as they waited for my signal. The pool was not the best test of the suit's capabilities, but we were checking the basics. The air pump hadn't been used in decades and the suit itself needed basic leak testing. I started wading to the deeper end of the pool. The water was now 2 feet above the top of the helmet. I breathed slowly, making the air last as long as I could.
3 minutes passed.
I decided it was enough and raised my hand. The men continued talking, now deep enough in conversation to have physically turned to face the each other. I waved harder, making small ripples on the surface. Nothing. My focus on my breathing broke. I was never comfortable with enclosed spaces. I took a few steps closer to the shallow end, my hand breaking the surface of the water. I splashed water at the men. They snapped out of their conversation and started unlocking the air seal. I felt the pull of the tube on the top of the helmet as air started siphoning through. I took a few steps back toward the deep end. As I walked, I looked back at the men. They were standing still, no longer chattering to each other. I stopped and stared back. I heard a faint gurgle from the air tube. The sound grew louder. Something was coming down the tube. I looked up to the vent. A drop of water splashed onto my face. I looked back at the blurry shapes of the men, they stood still. Even through the rippling water they seemed to be frozen in time.
Water started rushing into the helmet, I started to panic and move back to the shallow. The weighted boots seemed to be heavier than at the start of the test. I assured myself it was just fatigue, though I had hardly been exerting force. I tried to move quickly, but felt stuck after 3 steps. I turned to look at the men. They continued to watch. The pouring water echoed in the helmet, starting to disorient me. I felt something brush against my ear, though water had only filled to my jaw. I looked at the surface of water inside the helmet. Even through the brackish water I could see something was moving. I felt it brush against my neck. The water had reached my ear. I tilted my head back, trying to keep my nose out of the water. Small, sharp teeth pierced my neck. The tiny razorlike jaws to bite deeper and tear my flesh. I closed my eyes and screamed. I tried to move my arms and legs but the diving suit had grown too heavy. I felt more creatures hit my face as they dropped from the air tube. One started tearing at my cheek, another crawling into my ear, before starting to bore into the drum. The pain was excruciating. The water was now at my nostrils, even with my head pulled back. I felt the creature in my ear turn and bite deep into the canal wall. I opened my mouth to and yelled. Water clouded with blood rushed into my mouth. Creatures followed. My throat tore, my ears burned, my mind began tear apart.
My eyes opened wide and I gasped for air. I had woken from the nightmare shaking. My heart beating rapidly and my torso covered in a fine coat of sweat. My terror slowly dissipated and was replaced by confusion as I took in my unfamiliar surroundings. A yellow glow cut pierced the dark. The light peeking out from the underneath the bathroom door was dull, but bright enough to reveal the layout of the bedroom. I closed my eyes and breathed slower easier, trying to piecing the jigsaw together. I rolled onto my right and I saw her. She had her back to me. Her breathing was soft and rhythmic, I hadn't disturbed her. Her beautiful body moving in time with her slow breathing. She was beautiful. I moved closer and gently placed my hand on her waist. I brought my face against her exposed shoulder. I kissed her shoulder gently and touched my cheek to her, letting my hand drift to her stomach. She stirred slightly and sighed happily. My lips split into a smile. I kissed her shoulder again, and let my hand drift back over her perfect curves, savoring the feel of her skin under mine.
I turned away and lay on my back, looking up into nothing. I felt content.
3 minutes passed.
I decided it was enough and raised my hand. The men continued talking, now deep enough in conversation to have physically turned to face the each other. I waved harder, making small ripples on the surface. Nothing. My focus on my breathing broke. I was never comfortable with enclosed spaces. I took a few steps closer to the shallow end, my hand breaking the surface of the water. I splashed water at the men. They snapped out of their conversation and started unlocking the air seal. I felt the pull of the tube on the top of the helmet as air started siphoning through. I took a few steps back toward the deep end. As I walked, I looked back at the men. They were standing still, no longer chattering to each other. I stopped and stared back. I heard a faint gurgle from the air tube. The sound grew louder. Something was coming down the tube. I looked up to the vent. A drop of water splashed onto my face. I looked back at the blurry shapes of the men, they stood still. Even through the rippling water they seemed to be frozen in time.
Water started rushing into the helmet, I started to panic and move back to the shallow. The weighted boots seemed to be heavier than at the start of the test. I assured myself it was just fatigue, though I had hardly been exerting force. I tried to move quickly, but felt stuck after 3 steps. I turned to look at the men. They continued to watch. The pouring water echoed in the helmet, starting to disorient me. I felt something brush against my ear, though water had only filled to my jaw. I looked at the surface of water inside the helmet. Even through the brackish water I could see something was moving. I felt it brush against my neck. The water had reached my ear. I tilted my head back, trying to keep my nose out of the water. Small, sharp teeth pierced my neck. The tiny razorlike jaws to bite deeper and tear my flesh. I closed my eyes and screamed. I tried to move my arms and legs but the diving suit had grown too heavy. I felt more creatures hit my face as they dropped from the air tube. One started tearing at my cheek, another crawling into my ear, before starting to bore into the drum. The pain was excruciating. The water was now at my nostrils, even with my head pulled back. I felt the creature in my ear turn and bite deep into the canal wall. I opened my mouth to and yelled. Water clouded with blood rushed into my mouth. Creatures followed. My throat tore, my ears burned, my mind began tear apart.
My eyes opened wide and I gasped for air. I had woken from the nightmare shaking. My heart beating rapidly and my torso covered in a fine coat of sweat. My terror slowly dissipated and was replaced by confusion as I took in my unfamiliar surroundings. A yellow glow cut pierced the dark. The light peeking out from the underneath the bathroom door was dull, but bright enough to reveal the layout of the bedroom. I closed my eyes and breathed slower easier, trying to piecing the jigsaw together. I rolled onto my right and I saw her. She had her back to me. Her breathing was soft and rhythmic, I hadn't disturbed her. Her beautiful body moving in time with her slow breathing. She was beautiful. I moved closer and gently placed my hand on her waist. I brought my face against her exposed shoulder. I kissed her shoulder gently and touched my cheek to her, letting my hand drift to her stomach. She stirred slightly and sighed happily. My lips split into a smile. I kissed her shoulder again, and let my hand drift back over her perfect curves, savoring the feel of her skin under mine.
I turned away and lay on my back, looking up into nothing. I felt content.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Blarghcissism
Unfortunately, people confuse the fuck out of me. My misanthropy aside, I do not understand people. I'm not romantic, I'm not much of a conversationalist and I can't even begin to comprehend the feelings of others. In the shaved ape society, I'd like to think I'd have been one of the primitive tool wielders,than the gawping shit-flingers, thus, went looking for similar minded monkeys.
Turning to the internet has left me with narcissistic, overly emotional, pretentious, horny assholes. My feed constantly updates with unentertaining whinging, cries for attention, self-righteous babble and misinformed idiocy. I watch with the dread fascination associated with watching train wrecks.
Fortunately, friends such as the kaiju muse, the monk and the dancer have had positive influence and melted a small portion of the ice that fills my core. I am grateful, but still, for all intents and purposes, confused.
Turning to the internet has left me with narcissistic, overly emotional, pretentious, horny assholes. My feed constantly updates with unentertaining whinging, cries for attention, self-righteous babble and misinformed idiocy. I watch with the dread fascination associated with watching train wrecks.
Fortunately, friends such as the kaiju muse, the monk and the dancer have had positive influence and melted a small portion of the ice that fills my core. I am grateful, but still, for all intents and purposes, confused.
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