Monday, September 27, 2010

Inanimate Musings

I'm having a bit of an odd moment. I don't quite feel myself, and to be aware that I'm acting and feeling out of character is quite a surreal experience. I'm not entirely sure what triggered it, but I feel somewhat let down and impatient. I can't find any music that changes my mood, but I need some noise because the cat's constant grooming noises are boring into my brain like a cerebral jackhammer.

I know I'm at my best when I feel good physically. With the positive physical feeling usually comes a sense of clarity and peace I can't get by any other means. At the moment I have a nagging pain. I have had it for about a week now. It's entirely bearable, but always constant. It's definitely in a decline, but I have to admit I'm struggling. It's entirely possible that the nagging is a cause of my nonchalance and somewhat surly attitude as I can't escape it. Then again, it's entirely possible that it's not.

I don't like being inactive. It slowly drives me crazy. I feel weak, pathetic and soft. Unfortunately it puts me in a stubborn and childish state of mine where I don't listen to anyone. I find it a little harder to communicate because I don't really read things properly and struggle to find the right words to express what I mean.

I kind of want a hug, but I don't want to talk about it.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010


The problem with being utterly smitten is that the object of your desire is forever dominating your thoughts. It just takes a spark to skew a train of thought and send it careening through a hazy daydream.

I have grown disinterested and lazy. I have tried repeatedly to pull myself out but have failed.I know she will push me, I know she wants to push me just so I can see how far I can go. She realises I may not be able to do it without her, yet she still wants to be with me. It is a strange feeling to be able let someone in. I have barely felt like I have, she just seems to understand.

I have no idea what I did to deserve this, and will probably never know. For the first time in what seems an age, I feel nervous and excited about what the future will hold. Its quite an invigorating sensation, this 'love'.