Monday, September 27, 2010

Inanimate Musings

I'm having a bit of an odd moment. I don't quite feel myself, and to be aware that I'm acting and feeling out of character is quite a surreal experience. I'm not entirely sure what triggered it, but I feel somewhat let down and impatient. I can't find any music that changes my mood, but I need some noise because the cat's constant grooming noises are boring into my brain like a cerebral jackhammer.

I know I'm at my best when I feel good physically. With the positive physical feeling usually comes a sense of clarity and peace I can't get by any other means. At the moment I have a nagging pain. I have had it for about a week now. It's entirely bearable, but always constant. It's definitely in a decline, but I have to admit I'm struggling. It's entirely possible that the nagging is a cause of my nonchalance and somewhat surly attitude as I can't escape it. Then again, it's entirely possible that it's not.

I don't like being inactive. It slowly drives me crazy. I feel weak, pathetic and soft. Unfortunately it puts me in a stubborn and childish state of mine where I don't listen to anyone. I find it a little harder to communicate because I don't really read things properly and struggle to find the right words to express what I mean.

I kind of want a hug, but I don't want to talk about it.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

More

The problem with being utterly smitten is that the object of your desire is forever dominating your thoughts. It just takes a spark to skew a train of thought and send it careening through a hazy daydream.

I have grown disinterested and lazy. I have tried repeatedly to pull myself out but have failed.I know she will push me, I know she wants to push me just so I can see how far I can go. She realises I may not be able to do it without her, yet she still wants to be with me. It is a strange feeling to be able let someone in. I have barely felt like I have, she just seems to understand.

I have no idea what I did to deserve this, and will probably never know. For the first time in what seems an age, I feel nervous and excited about what the future will hold. Its quite an invigorating sensation, this 'love'.